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To protect the innocent I have left out the name of the person who forwarded this. If you recognize it and want to claim credit, let me know and I will gladly lay blame where blame belongs.....
Catholic Race Horses
One day while he was at the track betting "on the ponies" and nearly losing
his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out on the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and Behold, THAT
horse - a very Long Shot - won the race!
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure
enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses lined up
for the 5th race and place a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the betting window and placed a small wager on the
horse. Again, even though it was another Long Shot, the horse which the priest
had blessed won the race!
Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the
priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. As the afternoon wore on,
the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first!
Mitch began to pull in some serious money and, by the last race, he knew his
wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM,
withdrew all of his savings and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell
him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent and watched the horse come in Dead Last!
Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and, when he found the
priest, demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed a horse in each
race and that horse won. But, the last race, you blessed a horse, and that
particular horse lost. NOW, I've lost all my savings too...Thanks to YOU!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants...you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and Last
Rites!!!"
'Four Religious Truths'
Important for all faiths to recognize these 'Four Religious Truths'. 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christians 4. Mormons do not recognize each other at Hooters.
O x y m o r o n s
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?
10. Why are they called "stands" w! hen the y are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the bat! teries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24 . Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we towel dry?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when it's only one TV?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead
tree and eat candy out of your socks?
A married couple from up north decided to go to Florida to thaw out.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon some
20 years earlier. Because their schedules were so hectic, they prepared to
travel to their destination separately. The husband left first, a day ahead
of his spouse. After checking in at the hotel he discovered a computer in the
room, so he decided to email his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Texas, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He had been a Baptist Minister ! who was called home to
glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends offering condolences.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's
son's rushed into the room, found their Mother on the floor, and saw the
computer screen, which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived!
Date February 2, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you
are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.
P.S. It sure is hot down here
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